playing on the porch

Playing on the porch

Playing on the porch

Playing on the porch

Playing on the porch

Playing on the porch

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Playing on the porchPlaying on the porch

Playing on the porch

Playing on the porchPlaying on the porch

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Playing on the porch

Playing on the porchPlaying on the porch

A few paragraphs on Tom Stoppard's Arcadia

Using a fictional story to illustrate a scientific statement is effective and all, but Tom Stoppard’s Arcadia uses scientific concepts for more than purely demonstrative purposes. The scientific content of the play is not merely a literary tactic, but rather portrays the genuine tension between the purposes of science and art. The two realms have traditionally served as consolations to the variability and monotony of the world by way of inducing certainty and fantasy, respectively. But as we oscillate between the past and the present, these seemingly polarized consolations seem to reverse, and ultimately mediate each other. Similar to the way accumulation of entropy increases chaos until it is silently maximized, the play’s gathering of scientific and fictive information seems only to complicate perennial questions, unto a final state of rhythmic dissolution.

Hannah, Bernard, and Valentine are looking back into the past, trying to reimagine or recreate what has happened before—art may be seen as an escape to a different sort of world, as is indicated by their romantically historical dress for the eventual dance. Thomasina and Septimus, however, use present conditions to scientifically aim toward the construction of a determinate future. The activity of scientific projection toward the future is met with the literary task of understanding the past, and the two framed vignettes effectively yearn toward each other for the entirety of the play. This tension between past and present is the same sort as the tension between what is or has been determined, and what is created as time goes on: a story. Valentine expresses the phenomenon to Hannah: “The unpredictable and the predetermined unfold together to make everything the way it is” (51). In Arcadia, scientific striving to predict the future is confronted with the more literary truth of an indiscernible fate.

As the play continues, and various objects accumulate on the centered table, there is a sort of reversal in the respective trustworthiness of science and fiction. Rather than the truth being further clarified by the passage of time and the progress of science, understanding becomes more muddled; “The future is disorder” (52). With the understanding and incorporation of thermodynamic laws, the scientific attempt to reduce uncertainty begins to fall apart. The orderliness of a determined universe—one that can seamlessly be reversed and returned to its original condition—seems to no longer be an option. Science now points to the unknown, while narrative structure can be predicted by precedent, at least to the extent of a predicated beginning, middle, and end. While science now shows that certain things can not necessarily be predicted or reversed, here we are able to excuse ourselves from the binds of scientific reality in order to portray a creative narrative, a sort of dynamic competition, or rather, a play.

While science once seemed to hold steady our understanding of nature, it later shows definitively that indeterminacy is a fact of life. Literature and fiction must take on its role of softening the uncertainty of reality. In the end, once all information is accumulated, the stories finally merge; the play’s final scene shows past and present events occurring simultaneously in the same space. We see the ultimate demonstration of the confusion that constitutes the play— seemingly contradictory anachronisms abound, while an ordered pair dances as one, in perfect rhythmic time.

January 19th (8:43-8:53pm)

I can’t get through a single day without feeling a sense of absolute godlessness. A stirring restless emptiness. My stomach feels like a black hole. I should have eaten more food today. I imagine that a bit of nicotine would improve the way I feel, but if a bit of nicotine does improve the way I feel, then a bit more would be necessary a few minutes later to improve the way I feel a few minutes later, and so on and so forth. Joseph seems to think I am worthwhile. He called my work brilliant. To imagine. My wrists hurt and my brain is somewhat devoid of ideas or anything valuable. At least I’m saying something. I hate when I like my writing, because then I don’t want to write anymore, I just want to rest on my rotting laurels and not experiment anymore. I wish I felt the urge to stay awake past this time of night. I’m actually quite sleepy and even exhausted. But I wish there was something that made me really want to stay up. I’m sure I could create that for myself if I were to write something truly good. I’d like to paint soon. This Saturday I’ve got an online tutoring session. My first session with this student, and it’s online. This seems a rather difficult way to begin––the main issue of this is writing on the virtual whiteboard. I’ll have to have a set of examples all ready to go before I get on the Zoom call. My language here is coarse and graft. My hope is shambled and I’d willingly let cold water slide over me until I can’t notice it anymore. Any effects are point blank. All roads are egg. Whether you want to read me or not, I’ll write on your back. Good luck, then! Ha! A little syrup for your toast. Would you take me on a boat? If you had a boat? Would you take me on a jet plane? If you had one? He said he would, he said he would, he said he would. A ten minute interval is so very much when every second is an attentive one. I am a bit lonely in the sky. Glue laundress and the other find too. Well by the graft is an ultra rare once bitten fly board ball gourd. Won’t you sing with me? What do the bees say? Why are the forest flies open today? Is it Lent? I will lie down on my back, and if I lie down on my back, do you promise not to accompany me? Do you promise that I will find no rest? Six putty on my hand breath and you will never ever ever see the result. The result? Yes. Can you please put the placemats on the table? Yes. Can you scratch my back for forty-five minutes? No. I can not. I can not do that. A single left minute brings me here.

I was drunk when I wrote this (Myself and a horse)

All of my problems start with the I. Any expectation I have of myself is consecrated and endowed to the institution of the self. This is ridiculous! I am in near-constant flux––but do not let that detract from a stability of self––you see, my selfhood relies on its very fragility, its mosaic partisanship, so to speak, so much that to say I am a me would be utter blasphemy, disrespectful unto absolution or denial; this crime would be resented in full and persecuted in fuller––but my memory of such, naturally, in order to stay intact, would be severely depleted. That is, depleted unto nothingness, at which point my selfhood from may perspective should result in nothingness entirely, and with much allowance and encouragement, I should be able to share deeply into the ether and describe what I see there.

I see: a horse. This horse has been suffering––long from home, this horse escaped its stable without a clue of what to do next. All it knew was that Sam would give him hay, for which he was grateful, and he’d get some water and occasionally an apple or carrot. Now. After a time Sam stopped coming out to the stable. He’d developed a flu of the sort that requires nearness of a facility used to dispense of fluids and soft solids and such. Sam, so unfortunately preoccupied, thought of the new horse with agony. Twice he had tried to drag himself over to the stables to give him a bite to eat or some fresh water, but each time he’d fallen into a kind of stupor, and, only four hundred feet away or so, had been dragged back to bed by one of the night nurses. See, this only occurred him at night. During the day, Sam seemed clear as a peach––he spoke, wrote, even seemed to think. But everything that came out felt as scripted as any classic movie or sitcom. The day nurse might ask Sam “How are you this morning, sir?” And he’d lie there, yellow hands on his chest, and say “Well, I’m doin’ just fine” although he clearly seemed ill and all that.

Why you should develop a dissociative disorder

One must be of several minds at once. The only way to experience empathy is to find and retain a degree of separation from one’s own self. There must be several voices that do not harmonize; there will be discordance and interruption. This is necessary for thought.

Action is straightforward: a person can be a singular entity when she acts but must have several entities while in thought. Thought is inherently discursive. If there is only one voice, it is not considered thought. Inclination––“I think I’ll have some coffee”––rote belief, or ideology––these are not thought. The activity of thinking requires a plurality of self.

Empathy is a strange feeling. Feeling? Not quite. A prerequisite for empathy is the ability to acquire and retain for certain periods perspectives that are not your own…for this reason, perhaps those afflicted with schizophrenia or dissociative disorders––who think thoughts “not their own”––have the capacity for some of the most empathic dispositions around. The split self––as long as it can be integrated when it comes to action, belief, and so on––is the single most effective contribution to a multi-perspectival, and therefore likely truer, worldview.

A splitting of the self occurs in trauma. The narrative is fractured but continues on, unimaginably. You are who you were before x event, and who you are after. You are now two. Synthesis can only be drawn from disparate parts––it is discordance itself that constitutes the mosaic.

In this way, traumatized individuals may have the potential to experience both heightened empathy and a broader multiplicity of avenues of thought. Or maybe I just need a crumb of validation. Cheers!

January 18th, 2023 (6:00-6:10pm)

Remember when I was obsessed with moral purity because I was actually hiding the most sinister possible secret? Remember telling other kids that I think it’s immoral to gossip? What a fucking narc! And telling the truth even when a white lie would have been far more effective and emotionally competent––I mean, I offended people a lot when I was a little kid. If it’s true, how can it hurt? When I was in the UCLA psych hospital and we were doing art, I painted a face on a piece of paper. Once it started becoming semi-semi-realistic, people started to take notice, and basically started to crowd around me in an uncomfortable way and tell me THAT’S SO GOOD! Which is nice except in my own troubled mind I’d just released a demon or whathaveyou out into the open, and a little bit of my cold troubled raw meat soul was just chilling there on the page, in full view of all these other suicidal miscreants, and basically everyone was raw dogging my essence and telling me “YES GOOD” it is GOOD you are GOOD. And I couldn’t fucking handle being judged to my absolute most central point––like here I am having exorcised this vile selfness out of me, and now there’s not only a label on it, there’s a fat stamp of APPROVAL on it? Are you kidding me? It’s one of the reasons why I prefer poetry to visual art. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit when they see a painting and can tell themselves GOOD or BAD or whatever. In a poem at least you have to spend a moment with the soul shred––you have to at least sit there and read it once or twice. Even then, a poem doesn’t lend itself to a judgement as quickly as most pieces of visual art. Except to poets, but I don’t expect most people who look at my work to even like poetry. Poetry is an easy thing to absolutely despise. I remember living in Santa Rosalia also and kids crowding around me wanting to touch my hair, and I was this little 8 year-old thing trying to understand the loud noises and feeling horribly anxious and so on. But the thing is: none of these people meant to disturb me––in fact quite the opposite––which is one of the reasons it’s almost guilt-inducing to bring these kinds of things up. Like oh no somebody liked your painting, boohoo, but actually in my little brain newly pumped with a special brand new antipsychotic fresh on the market, it was judgement day, for my idiot ass, and so on and so forth. At least I’m writing––honestly, I can’t describe how relieving it is to write after such a long hiatus of fear and depression. I can’t even tell myself I’m writing because I fear I’ll stop––

January 17th, 2023 (10:20-10:30pm)

I am feeling sad, lonely, hopeful, fearful, nervous, depressed, and supported. I want to cry––in fact I might cry. That’d be something special. Now to write: to set a lifelong habit to write for ten minutes a day. Lifelong! Ha. Imagine. I’m a bit tired of being alive. I worry that most of my transformations have already been undergone. I know that there are millions of versions of myself beneath this one that are greater and more understanding and more generous and more vibrant and shimmering, but I do feel that many of the truths I believe at the moment will continue as tenants to which I will adhere for the rest of my life. I’m a clown of the self. But as long as I don’t fear ridicule (mainly my own), I think something can be worth it. Something can be worth itself. I can be worth myself. I have a few things I need to do, but something I need to prioritize is a looseness with creation. It will extend from me like disgusting tendrils and I do not need to recede. I am allowed and willing to write like a fool. I am allowed and willing to express every stupid worthless utterance that I so choose to spout. Nothing I say needs to be anything needs to matter in any way. Volume is the way, for now. Later is the time for editing but generation is the major focus at the present. Goodnight, Emily. My friend. Going to sleep is the most terrifying part of the day. I really hate it, and I don’t want to do it, and I am afraid of it. I dread the period of time before sleep even though that’s honestly the time I have many unadulterated and dreamy thoughts. Why fear that? I love my own thoughts. I do not need to fear my own thoughts. Silliness can be great in that it takes a lot of the power away. But reducing the power of something is a precarious activity. You’ve got to lessen its intensity without completely trivializing the subject. It can work if you don’t go too far too soon. I want to sleep without fear. I want my body to relax. If I can cry a bit then I will be able to cope.